The Hum of Gnats

I think I've lived my life, mostly, in a state of perpetual desire.

Desire for happiness in love, happiness in vocation ...

Desire?

No … anticipation …

No … expectation ...

My vocation nearly completes me.

I love my job, love what I do, love the meaning and purposefulness behind what I do.

But in love … well, my choices have led me to some pretty dark moments.

And in my darkest moments … the expectation for happiness in love was only a little gnat in my ear, and in my heart.

Annoyingly present ... keeping me aware ... keeping me reminded of it ... keeping me ...

Ironically, last night while closing my window to the glorious and wonderful cool breezes of the expectation of fall, I noticed about 40-50 dead gnats on the window frame … it occurred to me … are these the gnats of expectation that have been humming in my ear?

Are these the manifestations of the many times in my life of late that I’ve held on because of that little humming in my ear … keeping me present, keeping me hopeful … keeping me?

And … now they show themselves.

As if fully actualized ... as if to show me the physical manifestations of their presence in my life?

As if to show me that they were there all along ... the little humming presence of expectation and ... well, hope ...

That thought moved me. And I still feel the full impact of THAT moment in THIS moment.

“We must learn to reawaken and keep ourselves awake, not by mechanical aid, but by an infinite expectation of the dawn.” –Henry David Thoreau